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The Trump Cabinet Plays Dungeons & Dragons

by Clare Blackwood

Dungeon Master: Well met, Trump the Barbarian, Pence the Paladin, Barr the Wizard, DeVos the Bard, and Pompeo the Rogue! Brave adventurers, the once shining village of Am’rica has been experiencing attacks from a fearsome dragon. Countless have perished and they call for your aid. At the village gates, Trump, as the party’s leader, you are greeted by a lowly civilian guard who demands to know your purpose.

Donald: We are here to defeat the dragon. We have it totally under control.

DM: He thanks you and is comforted.

Donald: Although, in theory, the dragon will just go away on its own with the heat.

DM: The guard begins to question —

Barr: I cast Evasion to let Donald dodge suspicion.

DM: The guard trusts your wisdom implicitly.

***

DM: Pence, as a holy Paladin, you have been placed in charge of the fight to slay the dragon. The Village Elder approaches you and offers the support of their greatest warrior, Sir Belaric Dragonsbane. This mighty knight has slain countless foes, defended the innocent, and fought valiantly for family and country. To battle alongside him is an honour of the highest order. Do you accept his help?

Pence: Of course. We thank the Elder, gratefully welcome Sir Belaric into the party, and praise God that such a noble man has agreed to fight for us.

DM: Sir Belaric bows, and goes to bid farewell to his beloved husband —

Pence: He’s not allowed in the war party anymore.

***

DM: DeVos, the village blacksmith turns to you and asks, “What weapon shall I make for you with which to kill the dragon, Elf? A trusty lute? An Oathbow? A Dancing Sword?”

DeVos: I think I should probably have a gun.

DM: Why do you need a gun?

DeVos: In case bugbears attack.

***

DM: Trump, you emerge from the Elder’s tent to find a group of terrified villagers in the square. They want to know how you will defeat the horrible dragon who has killed so many of their loved ones. What do you do to help calm their fears?

Trump: I enter into a Relentless Rage.

DM: That’s an eleventh level Barbarian skill. You’re only a level two Barbarian. What else do you try?

Trump: I enter into a Relentless Rage.

DM: Again, you do not have the experience or knowledge to do that.

Trump: Somebody told me I could do Relentless Rage, so I’m doing it.

DM: Who said that you could do an eleventh level skill?

Trump: Lots of people. Lots of people said that. It’s in the Rule Book. Read the rules.

DM: Fine. You roll too low and the villagers laugh at you. Your attempt fails.

Barr: I cast Mass Suggestion to make everyone in the square believe that Donald succeeded.

***

DM: Before you leave, the village leaders ask you to help educate their people on how to protect themselves from future monster attacks. Miss DeVos, as a high-class member of the College of Lore, people trust you to have answers. What do you tell them?

DeVos: I suggest they get rid of their village’s weapons-making, monster hunting, and childcare programs.

DM: There is no way the leaders will endorse that.

DeVos: I cast Glibness.

DM: They perceive every word you say to be true, and happily give your party the money that would have gone to those very necessary programs. Jesus Christ.

***

DM: On the road to the dragon’s lair, a poor village child approaches you, Pompeo. Her entire family has been burned alive by the beast, and she asks for your aid. What do you do?

Pompeo: I refuse to give her free money and medicine because I’m still not convinced her people didn’t manufacture the dragon themselves.

DM: You can’t…you can’t manufacture a dragon.

Pompeo: I use Sneak Attack to issue sanctions against her and her people until we determine exactly where the dragon really came from.

***

DM: You have reached the dragon’s cave! Who dares enter first?

Pompeo: I’ll use my Rogue’s skills to sneak into this foreign territory ahead of the party. We will have to carefully scan for potential threats and ways to use the terrain and the dragon’s weaknesses to our advantage. For the safety of everyone involved, this must be a carefully thought-out and delicate operation.

Trump: I run in and activate Reckless Attack.

Pompeo: That was our plan all along.

***

DM: The dragon attacks you all for fifty damage because for some reason everyone voted against having a cleric in the party who could provide universal healthcare.

Pence: I cast Power Word Heal!

DM: Great. What’s the secret special word that allows you to unlock your healing magic?

Pence: “Mother”.

***

DM: After a bloody battle, the dragon and its gold have been imprisoned inside the cave, never to hurt anyone ever again. Congratulations, adventurers! You have succeeded against everyone’s expectations, and the villagers are safe!

Barr: I roll to use Remove Curse and commute the dragon’s sentence.

DM: WHY?

Barr: It agreed to share its gold with us if we let it go free.

DM: You know what? Fine. Fine. You’re now all incalculably rich and the dragon is on its way to kill everyone you swore an oath to save. My God. What will you tell the village?

Trump: That there were very fine people on both sides.

***

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