Photo Credit: Sidekix Media

List: Things in My Living Room More Qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice Than Amy Coney Barrett

By Clare Blackwood

Couch

My couch is comfortable, inclusive, and welcoming to all who wish to occupy it, regardless of whether they have come from another country or not.

Spider behind my television

The spider behind my television is also a mother of numerous children (500 and counting!), but has never once threatened to interfere with my own reproductive choices or access to birth control.

Framed picture of me at my university graduation

In this picture I am surrounded by members of my university’s faculty, none of whom have ever since signed an online petition warning potential employers about the dangers of hiring me.

Boyfriend

When it comes to matters on which he has no ethical right to make decisions, such as Girl’s Nights, my love of cake, or why Benedict Cumberbatch is so hot, Tyler responsibly recuses himself.

Cat

Despite his angry, judgmental, and occasionally violent temperament, my cat has never been endorsed by Tucker Carlson.

12-year-old laptop

This laptop was replaced earlier this year by a newer PC, but because it is not an originalist, it understands that all things must adapt and change in order to propel humanity forward to a better, less frustrating future.

Dying succulent

This tiny, wilting aloe vera plant dying of heat in late October definitely believes in climate change.

Exercise bike

Despite occasionally causing me painful physical injuries, this piece of equipment would never think of loosening necessary laws on gun control.

Half-eaten bag of almonds

This healthy snack is not an active member of the ultra-conservative Christian community People of Praise, and its ultimate goal is to build up my immune system, not the Kingdom of God.

Desk Lamp

This lamp has successfully performed its job for more than three years.

Canadian actor/writer/comedian; writer for The Beaverton; words in CBC Comedy, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, etc. Co-Founder of The Honeypot. clareblackwood.com

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